Chinnor (Saturday, February 2)

SATURDAY FEBRUARY 2

Chinnor 1 Bracknell Town 1

THE weather forecast again forces me south today. Chinnor of the Uhlsport Hellenic League Division One East is the  chosen venue.

Apparently, there is no problem with the pitch. In fact, the sun is out as I head into tranquil Oxfordshire. Red Kites circle overhead as I bag one of the few parking spaces at Station Road and enter the compact and bijou clubhouse.

Programmes are available from the bar (£2). There is no hot food but the selection of rolls look tasty. Annoyingly, all have mustard in them, which is fine if you like mustard. I don’t. My alert travelling companion averts a disaster when he notices that our programmes are from an old game and manages to grab a couple of the last three remaining ones from today!

I am pleased he does because enclosed within is an hilarious permission slip for WAGS to sign if they agree to allow  their fellas onto the end-of-season tour.

Participants have to agree to the amount they will drink, who they will talk to and where they will go.

Permission is granted subject to copious amounts of flowers and chocolates. It is a work of comedic genius: if only I could reproduce it here in its entirety. Facilities at Chinnor are basic. The tumbledown clubhouse toilets have no soap and nothing to dry one’s hands on. To be fair, the club have tried to bring a semblance of Step 6 to proceedings by installing a new stand and dugouts.

Unfortunately, the gargantuan dugouts obscure over half the pitch from the new stand! Further upgrading is planned.

The quality of football is poor. Play is squeezed into ten-yard strips of the pitch. When there is a throw-in or goal-kick (depressingly regular), watching the players herd themselves into one tiny part of the field is akin to watching One Man and His Dog.

I can hardly contain myself from ‘baaaaing’ every time they move en-masse in readiness for another hoof up the pitch.

The Beautiful Game it is not but at least I witness two second half goals.

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