London Maccabi Lions (Saturday, February 23)

SATURDAY FEBRUARY 23

London Maccabi Lions 5 Winslow United 1

MY chosen match in the north is snowed off, so it’s the south for me again today. I am one of the first people to arrive at Rowley Lane, home of London (Maccabi?) Lions, ‘The Number One Destination for Jewish Youth’.

The barman tells me there is no hot food on sale but there is a petrol station ‘two minutes away’. Some Winslow fans, extremely unhappy at the lack of food at the ground, follow me but give up after ten minutes.

Fifteen minutes later, I arrive at the garage and pounce on a pasty.

Back at the ground, the incredibly helpful gateman is now on duty. He apologises for the absence of hot food. I pay £5 to  get in, which includes a black and white eight-page programme.

The Rowley Lane complex houses several pitches including two full-sized grass, a 4G floodlit ‘cage’ and the bowling-green-flat first team one (unlit). I stand on the raised bank along the touchline to watch the game, though some shelter from the cold in the small stand with bench seats.

From this position, I have a perfect view of the Paul Kaye (Victor Chandler ads) lookalike Winslow manager’s antics. He  has obviously taken one look at the sand-covered touchline and decided that beach clogs are the ideal footwear this afternoon.

Probably highly expensive and trendy, they look like they have been whittled out of yellow plastic bleach bottles washed  up on the shore (‘Flotsam Chic’?).

He patrols said ‘beach’ spouting oneliners such as, ‘forget the advantages ref, we don’t want those we’d sooner have a  free-kick’. One of the linesmen tries to out-clown the manager by wearing a woolly hat.

This Spartan South Midlands League Division One match is an entertaining encounter. High-flying Lions make hard work  of the first half against their plucky, lowly visitors but finish them off like true predators in the second.

Winslow used to have a Donkey of the Week award. I hope they still do because there are a few contenders today.

However, there is no doubt about the Man of the Match: proudly step forward Mr. Plastic Shoes…

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