Belper United (Tuesday, May 7)

TUESDAY, MAY 7

Belper United 4 Mickleover Royals 0

MY LAST match of the season and a chance to finally tick off Belper United of the Central Midlands League (South).

Coincidentally, this battle for fourth place against Mickleover Royals is their last match at Alton Manor before becoming filthy groundsharers at Belper Town next season.

I thank my lucky stars for Jane SatNav: I wouldn’t have had a cat in Hell’s chance of finding this place otherwise. It is nestled in between a new housing estate, a delightful (ignoring the old tyres, rotting leather chair and mountains of dog muck) tree-lined stream and farmers’ fields.

The ground is railed off with a tiny metal shelter in one corner and the clubhouse is an interesting octagonal structure which must be like the Tardis inside. It looks for all the world like a typical Step 6 Hellenic ground (insert your own winking smiley icon here, folks!).

No admission is charged, being as the pitch is part of a public park, but I hand over a couple of quid anyway. A 20-page black and white programme is available for £1.

I chat with the secretary. The reason United are moving is so that they can make some money next season as at the moment they don’t even get any income from food, which is available from a mobile van in the car park (very tasty burgers and chips!).

A few familiar, friendly Derbyshire Hoppers turn up. Kick-off is six minutes late on this cloudless, short-sleeved evening.

After 15 minutes of play, a car screeches to a halt on the road overlooking the ground. A Mickleover player trots onto the pitch to take up his position: not a single person had noticed the Royals had started the game with only ten men!

The cars parked behind the goal take a pounding throughout the match in an entertaining tussle.

The home fans waving their ‘Green Army’ banner are thrilled to see their side rattle in four well-taken, unanswered goals, though it should have been more.

I tootle home to aestivate until August, vowing to emerge only when lesser ‘sports’ have been mercifully kicked off the back pages once more.

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