Heaton Stannington (Saturday, October 26)

SATURDAY OCTOBER 26

Heaton Stannington 3 Birtley Town 0

NEARLY 20 years ago, the Northern League had a genius idea and Groundhops were born. The League persuaded teams to stagger kick-off times to allow sad buggers like me the chance to take in three or more matches in one day.

As part of the League’s 125th celebrations, they are organising another series of Groundhops to cover teams not in the League during the original events.

For the princely sum of twenty quid, I snapped up the chance of four games in the Newcastle area plus a programme for each match: bargain! The first of these fixtures is a 10.30am start at Heaton Stannington, meaning a very early start from Nottingham for a carload of dozy Hoppers.

One crucial thing missing from the advanced ticket is directions to the four grounds. This proves crucial when it transpires that the postcode to one venue is incorrect resulting in a long convoy of Hoppers U-Turning in a housing estate! No matter, Grounsell Park, the first venue is easy to find.

I arrive to find the man on the turnstile in grumpy mood. The toilets are not yet unlocked and the tea urn has only just been switched on, resulting in lengthy queues for both facilities. Thankfully, the fish and chip shop adjacent to the ground has had the foresight to open very early and is serving bacon butties and drinks. At least the advance programme packs are ready and available: a lesson learnt from the utterly shambolic proceedings at the Cumbrain Hop in August.

The morning is going swimmingly; there is some entertaining football and I am enjoying meeting old friends in pleasant surroundings when along comes Birtley’s Mark Brereton to spoil it.

After being booked for a nasty tackle, Brereton takes it upon himself to plant a perfect uppercut on Paul Blakey’s jaw. Before anyone can react, the offender tears off his shirt and stomps to the dugout! Chaos ensues, as his manager tries to substitute him and Heaton players surround the referee. None of the officials saw the incident and a substitute for Brereton is allowed to enter play. And that would have been an unsatisfactory end to the matter until it is found that a film crew had captured the whole incident for posterity!

I hope a life ban and/or an assault charge is in the post for Mr. Brereton. If you wish to witness the incident, take a look, it can be easily found on the internet.

Meanwhile, Stan’s Blakey has to spend the rest of the day in hospital with a broken jaw!

The rest of the day is very enjoyable, apart from a truly dreadful game at West Allotment Celtic. Thirteen goals in four games leaves me anticipating the next NL Hop in March. What’s not to like?

Ticket value 5, Programme 3, Food 2, Bar 3, Toilets 4, Atmosphere 1, Match 3, Overall: 3.5